Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
