i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my shit smells like andre
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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