also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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