3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
