Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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