no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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