It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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