I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
