I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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