I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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