i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
