dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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