Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
