Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
