a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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