He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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