WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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