I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
