I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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