If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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