seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
