Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
