So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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