I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
