Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
