yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
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