I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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