I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
