I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
