He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We talked him into tasing himself.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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