Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
