i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
