I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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