my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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