he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
not ubering you a puppy
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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