I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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