So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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