My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
