matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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