I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
