yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
