Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sorry about my life...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
