every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
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