walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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