You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
