There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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