Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's shark week go big or go home
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
