I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize