Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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