Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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