Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
