Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
