i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
