Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
