I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
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